


In your arms (is where I belong)

by JessicaMariana



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 19:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11904201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessicaMariana/pseuds/JessicaMariana
Summary: The first time it’s just sleeplessness and a friend being a friend. In the future it becomes a place of comfort.





	In your arms (is where I belong)

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Darth-Salem for being my beta.

Hawke shifted on the impossibly thin mattress and sighed exasperatedly, glaring at the ceiling as she kicked the blanket off. She rolled her stiff shoulders and tried to get rid of the pain she had in her lower back by bucking her hips and arching her back, but it didn’t help. Exhausted, she sighed yet again and lay still for a moment. She was too uncomfortable to fall asleep. She closed her eyes, hoping that she would nonetheless. But it didn’t take long before she let out a frustrated growl and sat up straight. She flung her legs off the edge of the bed and slumped forward, her hands covering her face. She pushed her fingers into her hair and roughly tugged it back.

Carver’s snoring accompanied the crackling of the fire that filled the room, and made Hawke feel like stifling her brother with a pillow. It was said siblings are angels when they’re asleep, but Carver was an exception. As usual. Hawke didn’t understand how he could fall asleep so easily - he’d simply lain down in bed and gone out like a snuffed candle. She shook her head to herself and climbed out of the top bunk as quietly as she could. She wouldn’t have cared if she woke up Carver, but their mother lay in the bottom bunk, and Hawke had noted her recent restlessness and therefore wanted to give her as much sleep as she could get.

Hawke picked her boots off the floor beside the bed and sneaked out into the next room. She made a face as she wiped the dirt from under her feet. Gamlen’s house was disgusting.

“Hey Boy,” Hawke then greeted in a whisper to her dog as he lifted his head to see what she was up to.

There was a huff followed by a series of soft thuds as Boy got up and walked over to her side. He lay his head on her lap and looked up at her with his dark eyes.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Hawke said with a tired smile, hoping she wouldn’t have to go out alone.

The dog at once leapt back and started wagging his stub of a tail.

“Come on, then.”

 

Hawke breathed in the cool night air deeply and immediately felt her frustration recede. It stunk as it always did in Lowtown, but it was quiet, and the wind was comfortable against her warm skin.

She looked around, not sure which way to go, but as Boy began sniffing down the street to the right, she saw no reason not to follow him. Hawke found it odd, but comforting, that no one was outside. Maybe her work to keep the streets clean was finally paying off.

She didn’t pay much attention to anything else as they walked until she suddenly found herself standing in the Alienage. She shot a glance towards Merrill’s house, wondering if she was still awake. She thought of knocking, to check. She could use the company.

Before she knew it, Hawke had walked across the small square and raised her hand, tapping her knuckles against the wood. She couldn’t hear any signs of Merrill scuffling about so she turned on her heel, and just as she was about to go back to Boy where he stood sniffing the roots of the Vhenadahl tree, the door opened.

“Hawke?” Merrill’s voice was high with surprise.

Hawke turned to look at her friend.

Merrill stood in the crack of the door, her big eyes glowing in the faint moonlight as she peered out like the careful apostate hiding from templars. Hawke could just make out the staff held at Merrill’s side, and she couldn’t help but smile.

“Merrill,” Hawke greeted her friend. “Were you asleep?” She told herself to leave if if she had been bothering Merrill.

“What? Oh. No,” Merrill replied, and opened the door wider so that the fire light from inside washed over the blue and grey shadows of the night. “Do you want to come inside? Is something wrong?”

Hawke’s smile softened at Merrill’s kind words of concern.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Hawke explained. “Would you mind?” She nodded towards Merrill.

“Not at all.” Merrill stepped aside to let Hawke in. At the door Hawke turned around and called for Boy.

“You gonna come in or stay out there?”

The dog gave a loud bark and hurried after her.

“Are you alright, though?” Merrill wondered, looking Hawke up and down as they sat down in front of the fire.

“I’m fine, Merrill,” Hawke said lightly, and gave her a reassuring smile. “How are you?”

“Content,” Merrill said, smiling back. “Same as when we spoke earlier today.”

Hawke nodded. “Right.”

“Why couldn’t you sleep?”

Hawke looked into Merrill’s green eyes, considering whether to unload her rants on her friend or to brush it off.  _ Merrill is so sweet _ , she thought to herself.

“It’s been over a year since I slept well,” Hawke replied a moment later, dropping her gaze to the worn wooden floor.

Merrill sat quietly, waiting for her to continue.

“You’d think it was because of what happened in Ferelden: the Blight, my father’s death, Bethany...” Hawke sighed heavily. “Bad things happen - I wish they wouldn’t - and I can’t change the past. I move on. We all move on. One step at a time.”

Merrill let out a soft sigh and shifted closer. “I know how you feel. I mean- I didn’t lose family, not exactly, but they were part of our clan, and my friends - Mahariel and Tamlen. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? That they’re gone.” Silence fell over them for a moment before Merrill asked: “So why is it that you sleep poorly?” She tipped her head gently onto Hawke’s shoulder.

Hawke stared blankly  into the fire. “My bed is a wooden board with a blanket on top.”

Merrill lifted her head back off of Hawke’s shoulder and looked at her wide-eyed.

“Well, that doesn’t sound very comfortable,” she commented.

“Yeah...” Hawke met her eye and huffed a chuckle. “Why do you think I fall asleep so easily wherever we take a break? Literally anywhere is more comfortable than my ‘bed’. I mean, a rock is hard, but at least it doesn’t smell like Gamlen’s house.” Hawke grimaced, and Merrill couldn’t help but mirror the disgust.

“If you want, you can sleep here tonight,” she said then, beaming at her friend. “I know it’s the Alienage, and not very nice with the rats and... but-”

“Merrill,” Hawke interrupted her before she could start rambling again. “Thank you. I’d like that.”

Merrill giggled excitedly as she sprung to her feet. She then bent down at took Hawke’s hands to pull her up as well. Hawke watched her in silence. It warmed her heart to see Merrill smile. It was like a beam of sunshine in the middle of a rainy day.

“I bet you’re exhausted,” Merrill said as she dragged Hawke into the next room. “We did a lot of walking today. And you probably did more, what with Boy and all.”

The dog barked in agreement where he came striding behind the pair.

“I know just the thing to make you relax,” Merrill continued hurriedly. She ushered Hawke to sit down on the edge of the bed, and told her to take off her boots and whatever else that would make her comfortable.

“And whatever else?” Hawke asked, one brow raised with curiosity.

“We’re friends,” Merrill said. “We’re both women. There’s nothing to hide. Make yourself comfortable.”

Hawke shrugged at Boy who was watching her with his head tilted, and removed her boots and snugly fitted trousers. She was wearing a long tunic which ended halfway down her thighs, and decided to leave at least that on, but take off the belt that held it together at her waist.

She watched Merrill crawl up on her small bed and cross her legs. Merrill then patted the space in front of her.

“Lay down here,” she said.

Hawke did as she asked and lay down on her back with her head in Merrill’s lap and her hands folded over her stomach. Merrill smiled down at her and put her hands on either side of Hawke’s face. She began to comb her thin fingers through Hawke’s hair, and Hawke couldn’t help but immediately let her eyes slide shut. Merrill was right: it was relaxing. Her fingertips gently rubbed Hawke’s scalp as her fingers over and over dragged through her hair from root to tip.

“My mother used to do this to me,” Merrill said quietly. “Whenever I couldn’t sleep, she’d sit down and let me put my head in her lap, and she’d stroke my hair while singing me to sleep.”

Hawke smiled at the image of a much younger Merrill before her. She knew Merrill missed her mother and thought that she must get lonely sometimes living alone.

“I remember the night before I left to join Marethari’s clan...” Merrill continued quietly. “I cried so hard, and my mother told me it would be alright. She sat with me all night. Just like this...”

Merrill looked down at Hawke’s peaceful face and smiled to herself.

“Good night, Hawke.”

 

Hawke woke to the feeling of hot breath on her bare feet and something heavy draped over her legs. She rubbed her eyes and lifted her head to see that it was only the dog. She wasn’t used to having him in bed; her mother had never allowed it. She turned to her back, sat up and reached down to pet Boy. He opened one eye to look at her.

“Come here,” Hawke said, patting the small space between herself and the wall.

The dog rose to his feet, stretching and yawning, then lay down with a huff next to his owner. Hawke stroked him gently over the head and smiled as his tail began to wag.

“Good boy,” she whispered. She stretched her legs, happy to be rid of the warmth on them, and lay back down against the pillow with a soft thud. She took a deep breath to sigh, and caught the scent of nature; herbs, flowers and earth. She turned to her left and saw Merrill lying there, eyes closed and mouth slightly open, still asleep. Hawke smiled and draped her arm over Merrill’s small waist. She quietly studied Merrill’s face; the thin lips, the pink cheeks, the long black lashes. She let her eyes follow the curves of her Vallaslin up her cheeks and over her forehead. She felt like reaching up and tracing her fingertip along them, but held back. She didn’t want to disturb the soft expression on Merrill’s face.

After a moment Hawke let her eyes slide shut and shifted closer to her friend. It was odd how comfortable she felt. She’d only known Merrill for a short time, yet there was something about her that Hawke really liked. She had the feeling that Merrill and she would know each other forever. And with that thought and a smile on her lips, Hawke drifted back to sleep.

 

○○○

 

“Duck!” Varric shouted from behind her, and she ducked. Just in time.

Hawke watched the Hurlock fall to the ground with a loud thud, an arrow jutting out of its forehead. Hawke clenched her teeth and slammed the end of her staff hard into the ground at her feet, sending the last few Darkspawn flying through the chamber in a blast of fire.

The small party stood there, in silence, waiting to see if any of the creatures got back on their feet.

“You’re getting reckless,” Varric commented as he lowered Bianca, and gave Hawke a stern look.

“We got them, didn’t we?” Hawke countered, and turned to walk away.

“Yeah, thanks to me.”

Varric respected Hawke’s abilities, but she was getting dangerous and he didn’t want to end up dead just yet, so he had to say something.

“Give me a break,” Hawke sighed. She leaned heavily against her staff as she stumbled forwards through the Deep Roads.

“I think Varric is right,” Merrill said quietly from behind her. “I’m sorry, Hawke. I really am, but-”

“Did you just kill your own brother?” Hawke snapped, turning to look at her two companions, her eyes wide and burning with anger.

“No,” Merrill replied even quieter, but Varric wished he had. Maybe then, none of this would’ve happened.

Varric and Merrill said no more until they got back to the campsite they’d last set up before Bartrand’s betrayal.

 

For once Hawke thanked the Maker for making her a mage and not a pompous ass in full armour when she saw that the expedition had taken everything when they’d left. They had no food, no bedrolls, nothing. But Hawke had her soft robes, and one of the two layers she wore allowed her to fold a makeshift pillow for her tired head at least. She lay down on the cold floor and tucked her trembling hands into her armpits.

Varric and Merrill exchanged silent glances and left her alone.

As she rummaged through the remains of the ruin they camped in, Merrill luckily found some pieces of wood with which she started a fire in the cold pile of coal in the firepit. She and Varric sat down beside it.

“So,” Varric said. “We need to talk.” He looked over at Hawke who silently opened her eyes and glared at him.

“Not now,” she muttered and turned her back towards them.

Hawke didn’t know how long she lay there, shivering by herself, but eventually Varric’s soft snores began to drift through the chamber. Annoyed, she got up on her feet with a heavy sigh and walked over to the firepit. The fire still crackled invitingly and prickled her skin as she got closer. Merrill lay curled up on the other side, her big eyes open, watching Hawke.

Hawke could tell she wanted to say something, so she planted herself on her ass and waited.

After a long moment Merrill sat up. She rounded the fire and placed herself close to Hawke. She pulled her knees to her chest and leaned her chin against them.

“I’m sorry,” she said, looking into the fire. “About Carver. He...”

“Merrill,” Hawke ran her hands over her face and rubbed her reddened eyes. “It’s okay. Get some sleep.”

“No, it’s alright,” Merrill countered and looked up at her friend. She put one of her small hands on top of Hawke’s. “You sleep. I’ll keep an eye on the darkspawn.”

Hawke looked back at her, and for a long moment they looked into each other’s eyes in complete silence. Hawke felt herself lean towards her friend. She didn’t think it through, but soon she was close enough that she could feel Merrill’s breath on her face. Merrill watched her, unmoving and silent. Her green eyes glistened orange in the fire light and flickered between Hawke’s eyes and lips.

Before their lips could meet, however, Hawke ducked her head and sat back. She avoided looking at Merrill as she lay back down on the cold floor.

“Hawke,” Merrill said. “Do you want me to help you relax?”

Without a word, Hawke crawled closer and put her head in Merrill’s lap. Her thighs were as soft as Hawke remembered and as she closed her eyes, Merrill’s thin fingers began to comb through her hair.

 

Hawke woke up with a start, feeling like she had fallen onto the spot through the dark roof above her. She looked up into the darkness. She was just able to make out Merrill’s lean figure still sitting hunched over her. She was breathing evenly, fast asleep. Hawke’s chest throbbed. To think that Merrill cared enough not to move even when she herself had been about to fall asleep.

Hawke shifted carefully so as to not wake Merrill up. She felt around for her bundled up robe and pulled it closer. She then gently guided Merrill down on her side and lay her head on the makeshift pillow. Hawke lay down beside her. Merrill moaned softly and curled up, one hand searching for something. Hawke felt her grab hold of her robe and smiled to herself.

 

○○○

 

“I heard the news” Merrill stepped into Hawke’s bedroom, her eyes wide and filled with unshed tears. ” _ Ir abelas, ma vhenan _ .”

Hawke looked up at her friend. “I’m glad you’re here, Merrill,” she said quietly, and tried to swallow back the lump in her throat.

“Leandra is in a better place now.” Merrill said comforting as she approached the bed.

Hawke ducked her head between her slumped shoulders and looked down on the floor between her feet.

“Mother should be here, alive, with her family,” she said, clenching her fists. Her voice trembled with emotion. But then she realised that she was the only member of her family left alive. Leandra only had her left in the end.

“I’m sorry. I- said something wrong… I’ll just be quiet now.” Merrill hesitated where she stood. She was about to turn back and leave, but Hawke grabbed her wrist.

“No,” she said, suddenly unable to speak louder than a whisper. “Please… Would you stay?”

Merrill looked back at Hawke and sat down beside her. “Of course.”

She wrapped her arms around Hawke and held her as close as she possibly could. Hawke silently leaned against her for a long moment before her body started shaking uncontrollably and she broke down into loud sobs. Merrill stroked her back but said nothing. She let Hawke mourn for as long as she needed.

When Hawke had calmed down, she leaned back from Merrill’s embrace.

“Thank you, Merrill,” she said with a thick voice while looking down between them. She reached up and stroked Merrill’s cheek. Her eyes followed, lingering on Merrill's lips for a long moment. Hawke chewed on her own bottom lip.

_ What would be the harm? _ she wondered. All she wanted was comfort; for Merrill to hold her, to kiss her, to stay the night by her side. She didn't want to be alone.

Before either one knew it Hawke was leaning in, her chapped lips on Merrill's soft ones. Her hands flew down to Merrill's lap where they grasped Merrill's hands tightly. And Hawke frowned at herself, instantly regretting having done what she did. She pulled back as quickly and looked away.

“What's wrong?” Merrill wondered, slightly taken aback.

“I shouldn't have- I'm sorry,” Hawle wiped her mouth with her hand. And suddenly fresh tears streamed down her cheeks. She wiped them away.

_ I'm an idiot _ .

“ _ Ma vhenan _ …” Merrill put her hand on Hawke’s shoulder, prompting her to turn back. But Hawke wouldn't budge. They sat silently for a moment before Merrill let go, cleared her throat, and said: “It- means ‘my love’ or… or ‘my heart:  _ Ma vhenan _ .”

Hawke turned then. Rubbing her eyes furiously. “What?”

Merrill's cheeks were bright pink, even in the orange light of the fireplace. She shied away when Hawke reached back to cup her face.

“I love you,” Hawke croaked, pulling Merrill closer. Merrill didn't protest.

Yes, this felt right.

Hawke managed a faint smile. Merrill glanced up at her from beneath her long lashes. She let Hawke pull her flat against herself. Breaths mingled and eyes were shut as they shared another, more proper kiss.

 

Hawke shifted on the soft mattress and sighed exasperatedly, glaring at the dark canopy as she kicked the blanket off. She rolled her stiff shoulders. Exhausted, she sighed yet again and lay still for a moment. She couldn’t sleep. She closed her eyes, hoping that she would nonetheless. But like a nightmare, the images of what had happened the previous day flashed before her. She let out a frustrated sob and sat up straight, throwing the blanket off of herself. She flung her legs off the edge of the bed and slumped forwards, her hands covering her face. She pushed her fingers into her hair and pulled it back, tugging at it roughly.

“Hawke?”

Hawke’s head snapped up in surprise. A soft hand came to rest on her shoulder, and she turned to meet Merrill’s green eyes, glowing in the dim light of the dying fire.

“I’m sorry, Merrill,” Hawke said in a hoarse whisper.

“No.” Merrill sat up behind her and moved closer, her thin arms wrapping around Hawke’s waist. She tilted her head forwards and rested it against Hawke’s back. “It’s alright. I understand.”

Hawke lay her hands over Merrill’s and leaned back into her embrace.

“I wish...” Hawke began, but there were no words strong enough to convey exactly what it was she wanted.

“I’m sorry,  _ ma vhenan _ ,” Merrill whispered, and planted a kiss onto Hawke’s exposed skin.

 

○○○

 

_ We’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine. I won’t lose anyone else. _

Hawke turned to look at Merrill.

“I feel like I’m forgetting something. Or there’s more to do or… Does all this feel like a dream to you too?”

Hawke sighed. “In a moment I’ll look down and see I have no pants on.”

“The Champion of Kirkwall going into battle naked,” Merrill laughed heartily. Hawke loved that laugh so much. As anything Merrill did when trying to comfort her, it always made her feel so much better.

However, Merrill could see Hawke’s distress under the layer of hilarity. “Why can’t I ever have that dream?” She sighed. “My love...”

“I love you,” Hawke said, a grim frown on her face, and reached up to stroke Merrill’s warm cheek. “Whatever happens, remember that.”  _ Whatever happens... _

She let her hand fall back to her side. Merrill stepped closer, taking Hawke’s hands into hers and pulled her forward. She tilted her head to the side and leaned ever closer.

Hawke closed her eyes and pressed her lips pliantly against Merrill’s.

_ We’ll be fine. _

 

_ ○○○ _

 

“Hawke,” Merrill said.

Hawke hummed in response.

“This is good.”

Hawke smiled. Merrill’s fingers brushed through her hair and paused when they reached back to her temple. Hawke opened her eyes and looked up to meet Merrill's. She reached up and cupped Merrill's face. She pulled her down and Merrill happily bent over to kiss her girlfriend, her beloved, her heart.

Yes, it was good.


End file.
